How to add two full inches to your, ahem, you know what…and pay absolutely nothing!

Yes, that’s right, just recently I added over two inches to my Dick (Phillip K., that is) book collection, and paid absolutely nothing, as one of the books was given to me by my friend Jon Sellers over at Antiquities of the Illuminati, and the other two I purchased with a gift certificate. See below the additions to my ever-expanding Dick!


As you may recall several months back, our old pal GrouchoGandi ran a “My-Philip-K.-Dick’s-bigger-than-yours” contest. GrouchoGandi weighed in with a paltry 30 inches.


GrouchoGandi’s Paltry Dick   

Shortly afterwards I blew GrouchoG out of the water when I whipped out all 46 inches of my magnificent multicolored Dick. (Hmmm, that sounds like a twisted children’s book: The Magnificent Multicolored Dick.)

 Gorightly’s Magnficent Multicolored Dick 

However, my reign as the King of Dick was short lived when Discordian Dr. Jon entered into the competition, sporting damn near 70 inches of you know what. At that point I threw in the towel, ala Roberto Duran—No Mas, No Mas. And I thought that was the end of the tale of the tapes.


 Dr. Jon’s Questionable Dick 

However, earlier today, Ragle Gumm from Totaldickhead posted the following on my blog: 

Dr Jon’s “70 inches of Dick” is a lie. He’s filed KW Jeter under PKD! That’s like putting a cucumber in your pants. I will alert the Official Dick Measurer’s (in fact I saw a woman wearing one of their hats just the other day).Just wait. My Dick collection will make your Dick collection look like a “before” picture!”  

This stunning revelation and expose of Dr. Jon’s Dick immediately disqualifies him (in my opinion) as “King of Dick” and that lofty title, once again, should belong to me and me alone. Indeed, if you enlarge Dr. Jon’s Dick (in the photo), you will see the aforementioned bogus K.W. Jeter titles in addition to some notebooks and binders with most likely bogus labels attached claiming to be some sort of PKD material. (Who knows, at this point…he might have even used photoshop to further enlarge his already circumspect Dick!) With such   damning evidence now in hand (so to speak), we in the PKD fanboy community have no other choice than to strip Dr. Jon of his now tainted title–or at the very least, it should have an asterisk placed beside it.


~ by gorightly on December 8, 2007.

6 Responses to “How to add two full inches to your, ahem, you know what…and pay absolutely nothing!”

  1. Haha. Congratulations. Your a hard act to follow. Looks like Dr. Jon even went with some Kenny Rogers CDs and a couple of college mix tapes. Besides, you should never trust a discordian. Just feed him drugs.

  2. I’m a Discordian. Where’s my drugs?

  3. Try the Opsimath Tomato Company — 5151 Martin Luther King Drive, Dallas, TX. Ask for Toad.

  4. Defendin’ Mah Dick

    Obviously people can’t read. I said there were related materials in the list. There’s your asterisk, up front from the start, and self-declared, unlike other folks. And I included a blow-up of the photo, unlike certain other folks…

    (…where you can clearly identify such things as Phil Dick interview cassettes — not included in the total Dick length, you might note — and Bladerunner CDs.)

    “Ragle Gumm” (sounds like an alias to me — what is this illiterate cretin hiding?) is obviously some sort of coward as well, as he has not the decency to make his scurrilous and baseless shit-stirring comments on my blog.

    So, now there’s different rules to this game? Well, let’s hear where the goalposts have been moved to this time, and then we’ll play again…

    A Challenge! Let’s hear it! What are the New Rules!


    (lanyardsuige is obviously in turgid denial over his own burning manlove for Kenny Rogers to be making any public statements at this time.)

  5. ‘Turgid’ is my slave name. From “Six Pack” on, Kenny and I have had a deep connection which you obviously wouldn’t understand. It’s not my fault he communicates with me through your book case.

  6. Just yankin yer chain, Dr. Jon. (Any excuse for another Dick joke…)

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